BY GUSSTAVE RIDLEY
From a cultural point of view, loneliness is increasing because of the disappearance of the nuclear family and the erosion of a sense of community. On a personal level the issue goes deeper. For example, how many of us still have a trusted circle of friends? Did we,as a community, forget how to be "sociable?" Living in uncertain times, with diminishing values, loneliness is confused with the feeling that nobody loves us.
Loneliness has many levels. The loss of a loved one, moving to a new place, divorce or any natural disaster can deeply affect us. But it's the day to day loneliness Americans suffer from that is the most devastating. What do we do with solitude? In solitude most of us act on our urges; we get a special kick out of something forbidden. Who can sit still for a period of time? Bodies come near one another, but when hearts and minds remain distant, we are alone.
Loneliness is different from depression. In loneliness there is the desire to develop new relationships or regain lost ones, whereas depression causes people to resign themselves to being alone always. Can you be open and vulnerable enough to exchange lonely feelings with friends? Contact with friends can keep loneliness at bay for awhile.... Beyond that, is it fear of intimacy that keeps us lonely? Certainly fear of closeness causes lack of trust which creates self alienation. There is a positive side to being lonely, though. When psychic pain becomes too much, we break through to forces that make us creative. We write, paint, sing, etc.: anything to ease the pain. Creative expression can become the escape hatch.
A successful shrink confessed what he does to relieve loneliness: "I go to bed and drink wine till I fall asleep." He uses the same tactics we all use: avoidance, repression, escape. We rush around seeking distractions through others, while somehow failing to understand the insidious nature of loneliness and how it influences our actions.
My search for a cure lead me to this experiment : I walked into a restaurant with nothing to read. While I sat by myself, waiting to be served, I observed others eating and laughing together. All I felt was loneliness. I wondered what everyone thought of me. Did they look and see a loser? A lone guy in a public place without a companion? Sinking sensations wrenched my guts, but instead of denying the pain I allowed the humiliation to sink deeper and deeper through my being. As I sat there suffering, I realized that I didn't have to feel that way if I liked myself. I didn't have to suffer so when I could see myself as my own best company.
I had always prided myself on having a good self image, so why not use this opportunity to prove it? I never had had the courage to confront negative feelings by allowing those feelings to surface without distortion. By dropping all defenses and cover-ups at that moment, I succeeded in facing my darkest fears. Now when I look back, I see what a perverse pleasure I got out of being alone, singing sad songs of self pity to myself for so many years.
At a gathering where I knew no one, I approached a small group engaged in animated conversation. I waited till a break to contribute a tidbit that might gain me instant acceptance. The silence that followed caused me to move quickly away, But I didn't feel humiliated. I repeated inside my head, "Feel good inside...that's all that matters...."
Keep a small mirror in a pocket; take it out often and tell yourself, "I love you! I really do!"
Famous writers from Sophocles to Dostoyefsky have explored our attempts to escape being alone. Obsessed by aloneness all his life, Thomas Wolfe described the solitary condition of being human, "Left alone to sleep within a shuttered room, unfathomable loneliness and sadness crept through him. He saw his life down a lonely vista and knew he would always be the sad one; caged in that little round of skull; imprisoned in that most secret heart; his lonely self must always walk down lonely passages. He knew that men were forever strangers to each other, no one comes to really know anyone. Trapped in the insoluble prison of being, we never escape. No matter what arms may hug us, what heart may warm us, we can never escape our essential aloneness."
Existential aloneness is the realization that no mater how intimate we get, no matter how close, we can never fully connect with another human being. Nobody ever understands us in the way we know ourselves. Many have romantic illusions about "soul mates," but the reality is that no one can ever read our minds and tell us what we're thinking. Realize and accept it--your troubles will be over. Intellectuals are faced with existential aloneness.
The essence of feeling lonely lies in our internal emptiness. A weekend with no plans can feel more terrifying than real danger. Most of us are sure to make plans to fill in empty no-work days. Too much leisure can be a punishment instead of pleasure. Young people around bars often are not seeking just one night stands; they are looking for some form of human contact. Perhaps the increased sexual activity of the last 20 years is due to an increase in social anxiety. Anxiety often is from childhood fears of abandonment.
When a security-providing relationship is lost, the result can be panic. Physical illness can result. Why is the fear of loss of a loved one so strong today? The physical and emotional rootlessness in a highly mobile society increases the fear of belonging nowhere, to no one. Remember Dean Martin's song, "You're nobody till somebody loves you...."? Many of us feel faceless, nameless, unconnected. That's why so many thrill to see their name or picture in the newspaper. And many young people are desperate to have a child because it gives them a sense of belonging.
We try to appease and please others endlessly because we fear being abandoned. Research has revealed that this fear is seldom admitted to consciousness. Our neediness becomes something to be ashamed of, something to hide from others. What's the cause of this neediness? We never completely severed the parental emotional umbilical cord. We remain in internal subject/object (parent=object, subject=our self) relationships with parents because to let them go would expose and annihilate very basic self-identifications within our psyches. Annihilation of self-identifications leaves our ego/personality-self with a huge sense of emptiness which terrifies the regular mind. The fear of being lonely is the emotional glue that holds together failing relationships. An intimate who we're not sure of must be appeased over and over.
We all want a soul mate: someone who will never leave us no matter how mean or petty we choose to be.
What is this feeling we're so afraid to discuss or mention? What is this feeling that flows in and out like the tide? Does being alone make us more self-critical? Does it cause us anxiety, stress, and nagging doubts about our lovability? If you call someone and their machine picks it up, do you feel rejected? Loneliness is uniquely one's own. No one can experience it for you. Perhaps no one can fully understand what your loneliness feels like; yet there are certain elements that lonely people have in common. We all experience deprivation. We feel that something is missing. It's that cut-off-lost-unwanted-ignored feeling. We long for a presence to fill the absence. We search for a certain bonded-ness, a particular sense of connection in the outer world.
Did the Machine Age hit America so hard that we all became estranged from one another? Did our loss of contact with nature cause us to lose touch with each other? Did the destruction of our environment create a cosmic dimension to our loneliness? In a highly industrialized, technical society, modern man feels powerless, insecure, alone and anxious. The terrible tragedy of modern life is the alienation of man from his own feelings; the fear of experiencing one's own loneliness or the loneliness of others.
Social activities hide basic fears of abandonment. Many people will go to any lengths to avoid showing that they need others. Fears of being smothered or abandoned are flip sides of the same sense of dread that we must overcome. There are millions of people who live alone for years, learning to make peace with aloneness. Sooner or later we learn to depend on ourselves, but only after unhappy experiences. It seems we learn only through suffering.
Loneliness has many faces. It is cultural when we're cut off from our roots; social when we're excluded from a group; psychosomatic when we're alienated from ourselves, and existential when we see no meaning or purpose in our lives. The "Greed Decade" of the 80's spread the sense of alienation over us like a polluted cloud. The destructive policies of the Reagan-Bush era estranged the very heart of America so that now we're overly fearful about reaching out. It doesn't take much to hurt our feelings, and we're over-sensitive to possible rejection. This is the psychic fallout from the Greed Decade, when "things" became God.
Many people sit home with VCR's in one room and computers in the next, yet empty feelings still creep in. Machines are culturally acceptable substitutions for companionship, and they appease our emptiness until we reach the "Satiation Point." Those who expect marriage will bring warmth, a sense of belonging as well as feelings of closeness, are invariably disappointed. Feelings of emptiness deepen and intensify with the years. How about the long-married couples who finish each other's sentences? That's not mind reading; it's familiarity. Some part of each of us secretly wants an intimate to read our thoughts and anticipate our desires. Can pocket phones, walkmans, distractions of the media, an TV's fill the emptiness inside? Yes, until that "Satiation Point."
Are you fearful of being alone for long? Afraid to discuss these feelings with others? Is it a source of shame we must cover up, repress, or deny? Why is being alone such a demeaning experience? Why should aloneness be so negative and togetherness so positive? How can we overcome fear of loneliness if we refuse to admit it to ourselves or others? Many of us hide our loneliness behind busy-ness: taking lunches, overloading our schedules, talking constantly on the phone, etc. Is there a yardstick with which we can measure the degree of loneliness.
Loneliness can kill. That's why we must all learn how to cope with it. It begins when what you get from others doesn't measure up to what you expect. The greater the expectations, the lonelier we can feel when they're not met. There's a difference between lonesome-ness and loneliness. Missing a friend or a loved one is lonesome-ness and is not the same as recurring lonely feelings. Life cures lonesome feelings, but life does not bring relief from lonely feelings. It makes the loneliest of us irritated and low-spirited, with the constant feeling of being ill-treated by fate.
Private moments can be productive reflections or destructive despair. Those are the extremes with the vast majority fitting somewhere in between. We develop hobbies, skills, attend endless lectures and seminars on how to grow, how to make new friends, how to appease the inner child who remains unappeased. Does childhood determine whether we find time alone pleasurable or uncomfortable?
Consider this: Two people with similar childhood’s, both intelligent with average grades in school. Both got along with their families. Both had a great deal of time to themselves and spent a lot of time alone in their rooms, wrapped up in a book. One of them grew up to be Albert Einstein; the other, Richard Speck, became a mass murderer. What made the difference was how
each spent his alone time. For young Einstein, solitude was the time he spent asking himself questions about the nature of the world, trying to find an answer. Speck spent his time alone thinking vengeful thoughts and brooding over life's unfairness.
People in this country always seem to feel an urgent need for privacy. Look around, and notice the fences, partitions, doors, and boundary markings. If we can afford it, we choose places to live that afford minimal visual and auditory contact with others. Cars are the last frontier of personal privacy. Locked in steel fortresses, we thumb our noses at the rest of the world. On the other hand, driving in the car also has always been a wonderful opportunity to have animated conversations with yourself.
Eric Fromm believed the ability to enjoy time alone is a condition for being able to love others. What should solitude mean? It should represent a state of mind that is unaffected by others' wants and needs, a mood in which we are in touch with our inner core. It is the kind of aloneness that can ignite a burst of creativity followed by a feeling of serenity. Solitude exists in paying attention to the moment, where what you are doing gets all your attention. Solitude is a way of being with yourself, of being comfortable with the Self. In between solitude and isolation are many other ways of being alone. Sometimes you will be alone and feel neither lonely nor happy. During most moments, though, where routine habitual tasks such as showering, shaving, cleaning up, mindless driving etc. occupy your attention, you don't usually examine your lifestyle for flaws. When you do find yourself alone, it seems hard to pinpoint just exactly what you're feeling.
Some people really actually do like being alone. They appreciate the quiet. They enjoy the restful feeling of a newspaper, feet propped up on the coffee table. No intrusions, no distractions. Knowing who you are and what you have to offer brings a sense of pride to a solitary choice.
When a number of rock climbers were interviewed, it became apparent that this activity is perfectly suited to a "going with the flow" state of mind. This state of mind is identical with the state that prevents lonely feelings from entering consciousness. How does it happen? Rock climbing requires complete concentration. If you think about anything else, you'll fall. Here you are dealing with the subconscious as well as conscious mind. The mind becomes very still while climbing straight up. You become totally self aware. You become Quiet Mind.
Ancient societies never distinguished between what was private and public. All individuals lived in extended families, and it was inconceivable that anyone would want an identity separate from the community. In some primitive societies being alone was considered unnatural and dangerous. In many cultures even today, being alone is feared not because of physical danger but because of mysterious psychic threats. In the Puritan society of the past, a woman who shunned others' company was considered a witch. So the discomfort you feel regarding solitary activities may well be the result of deliberate programming by a society that enforces phony togetherness. Each of us harbors a closet full of forbidden thoughts, scary feelings, repressed impulses, and uncomfortable reflections. When feeling utterly alone, the mind broods on: previous failures, possible rejections, what was omitted...etc., etc., ETC.. Thoughts you never even considered pop into your head when you're alone. You yearn for something, but you don't know what.
A young successful woman says, "When I am alone I brood a lot. I worry about my husband's health; what should I do if he dies? Am I screwing my kids up by working? I think about all the ways I could change my appearance...."
It's sad that so many people experience this kind of discomfort almost every time they're alone without an activity. It becomes impossible to enjoy our own company. On the other hand, here's a mature woman's experience with lonely feelings: "The loneliness starts in response to a memory, triggered by outside events or internal wanderings. Sometimes I engage in these inner journeys because I feel a need to go further into those feelings, work through them to another level, to a different quality of thoughts. Letting myself sink into despair is one of the most painful experiences I have ever had, yet it was from this anguish that I learned the most."
Another area of difficulty for many people is the time they spend in front of a mirror. It can make them feel not only lonely, but depressed. For those who are self-conscious about their shape or features, solitary self examination can be extremely painful. Instead of becoming an acknowledgment of good points, grooming sessions turn into tense critical scrutiny where beauty is judged by some elusive, illusory standard of beauty. Listen to what his woman thinks about her personal appearance. Does it sound familiar? "I study my nose. I'm used to
looking at it from the front in the mirror, but when I look at it in a three-way mirror, I'm horrified! How large it looks! Then I think it really can't be that big! Then I look from the other side, shocked again. Then I take my hands, and I push my nose in and up to see how it would look after a nose job. My mind flutters back and forth--should I or shouldn't I? Then I decide maybe I'm better off just the way I
am."
Vast amounts of our time alone is spent in grooming, inspecting and judging our physical appearance. It may be an unconscious way of bolstering part of the damaged, dysfunctional self invisible to others. It also can be a very lonely time if you think you're unlovable.
Want to know how to be comfortable alone?
Stop all self criticism--right now!
Every time that tape loop starts, say to yourself,
"I refuse to destroy my self image. I need it to survive."
Look into the mirror and say, "I love myself" over and over
until you really feel it. Does it feel artificial? Do it any way.
It will become real.
Many people feel apprehensive about the direction their thinking takes when they're alone. One kind sensitive person I know is frightened of the rage he feels. Others report irrational thoughts of harming those they love, vanishing into another identity or even running through the streets, breaking every one of the Commandments. There's a private world inside the habitual mind, a place inaccessible to everyone but you. There you find constant companionship from your inner voice, which talks to you continuously. It urges, blames, reminds, judges, criticizes, condemns, praises, flatters, justifies, nags, encourages, etc.. It tells you what to do and how to feel about it. Private conversations are going on inside your head during almost every waking moment of your life. You might be repeating words of a song, rehearsing a conversation, charging yourself up or calming yourself down. Left to its own devices, this mind's activity is ceaseless.
We have varying degrees of tolerance for being alone. Some people can't stand it for more than an hour without feeling anxious. Others can spend weeks away from human contact without unpleasant side effects. The degree to which we can tolerate and even enjoy being alone depends on how honestly we have confronted our worst fears and how familiar we are with our inner self. For anyone who feels the need to awake to a higher life, this confrontation and self acceptance is a must. Solitude can be a communion with the self, free of programming. I